Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Time Away

This blog is going through a metamorphosis as am I.

I now know what it is like to lose my mother. Nothing prepares you, no one has the words, nothing fills the void or can make it better again ( sort of like a mother can) but...

life goes on...

it's hard, it's different, but we don't hide in a dark corner of our closets, we go about life, in a different way with a different state of mind. At least this is the effect it is havig on my little life.

What has happened to me? Still healing, I am sure I will be healing the rest of my life here on earth. But I got engaged on April 17, my mom passed away on April 22 ( reading that last line is a reality check that I do not comprehend completely yet) and I was able to tell my mom my good news. She was hardly talking at that point, very weak, hardly eating. But she mustered up tears and said in a whisper "you didn't have to do that" hmmmm, did she understand what I was saying? Did she hear me correctly, I think so....I hope. I have heard that hearing is the last to go and some say it even improves as we appraoch the end. Greg ( my faince) and I had been together for 6.5 years and I knew she was wondering when it would be official. It meant a great deal to me to tell her before she passed into the life that is her's now.

Tears are streaming down my face, because this is a fresh wound still, it's almost a chest wound, right where my heart is. Some days it's soccer ball to the gut and I can not breath. I could write for days about the roller coaster of feelings, the questions of life and what is waiting, how I am supposed to live mine without her in it. There are days I sing in the shower and days I baul while vacuuming. One moment it's daily routine and next BOOM--thunder clouds roll in and I am crying in the grocery store. What's "normal" right now. Nothing and what is normal about the way I am handling all of this--everything.

I find comfort in music, in books by Dr Raymond Moody, I just bought a couple books by Deepak Chopra, I found peace in Sequoia National Park where I just went for a 6 day hiking trip with Greg and company. Mother Nature has a way of putting things in perspective... I find peace in the eyes of my dogs, and Greg's hugs and my dad telling me "I love you" more than I can remembering him tell me before, I find peace knowing that my mom's destiny is my own.

my life has taken a great turn. My family's life will be forever changed. There is a Mom Void in the world and nothing will fill it. But there is no choice but to move on...and have some good days and bad.

time is a healer.

p.s. I am Regina Spektor fan. Her new album just came out "Far" The song, "Laughing With" is amazing and hits home. please take a listen to this track, if you have the time.

all for now...

peace to all


  1. Keep talking. I'm listening. (and I've experienced the pain and the unfillable hole of losing a mom and,more recently, a daughter). Peace to you.

  2. what a comfort...thank you for sharing. I just made my Facebook picture the Liddy Shriver symbol. Starting tomorrow, it is Sarcoma Awareness Week. I am going to use Facebook to educate my family and friends.

    peace to you as well.

  3. p.s. your daughter is beautiful.

  4. Aubree.
    I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending you strength and love.