Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Laughing With" Regina Spektor

Time Away

This blog is going through a metamorphosis as am I.

I now know what it is like to lose my mother. Nothing prepares you, no one has the words, nothing fills the void or can make it better again ( sort of like a mother can) but...

life goes on...

it's hard, it's different, but we don't hide in a dark corner of our closets, we go about life, in a different way with a different state of mind. At least this is the effect it is havig on my little life.

What has happened to me? Still healing, I am sure I will be healing the rest of my life here on earth. But I got engaged on April 17, my mom passed away on April 22 ( reading that last line is a reality check that I do not comprehend completely yet) and I was able to tell my mom my good news. She was hardly talking at that point, very weak, hardly eating. But she mustered up tears and said in a whisper "you didn't have to do that" hmmmm, did she understand what I was saying? Did she hear me correctly, I think so....I hope. I have heard that hearing is the last to go and some say it even improves as we appraoch the end. Greg ( my faince) and I had been together for 6.5 years and I knew she was wondering when it would be official. It meant a great deal to me to tell her before she passed into the life that is her's now.

Tears are streaming down my face, because this is a fresh wound still, it's almost a chest wound, right where my heart is. Some days it's soccer ball to the gut and I can not breath. I could write for days about the roller coaster of feelings, the questions of life and what is waiting, how I am supposed to live mine without her in it. There are days I sing in the shower and days I baul while vacuuming. One moment it's daily routine and next BOOM--thunder clouds roll in and I am crying in the grocery store. What's "normal" right now. Nothing and what is normal about the way I am handling all of this--everything.

I find comfort in music, in books by Dr Raymond Moody, I just bought a couple books by Deepak Chopra, I found peace in Sequoia National Park where I just went for a 6 day hiking trip with Greg and company. Mother Nature has a way of putting things in perspective... I find peace in the eyes of my dogs, and Greg's hugs and my dad telling me "I love you" more than I can remembering him tell me before, I find peace knowing that my mom's destiny is my own.

my life has taken a great turn. My family's life will be forever changed. There is a Mom Void in the world and nothing will fill it. But there is no choice but to move on...and have some good days and bad.

time is a healer.

p.s. I am Regina Spektor fan. Her new album just came out "Far" The song, "Laughing With" is amazing and hits home. please take a listen to this track, if you have the time.

all for now...

peace to all